{"title":"Home page","description":null,"products":[{"product_id":"status-quo","title":"STATUS QUO","description":"\u003cp\u003eA smooth, balanced medium roast for functional humans who want reliable coffee without marketing fluff or burnt bitterness. It arrives on time and has never once called a meeting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAvailable in Whole Bean or Drip Ground, in 12 oz, 1 lb, and 2 lb sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Satirical Coffee","offers":[{"title":"12 oz \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084498972745,"sku":"NIC-WHOLE-12OZ-BLACK","price":25.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"12 oz \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084499005513,"sku":"NIC-DRIP-12OZ-BLACK","price":25.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"1 lb \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084499038281,"sku":"NIC-WHOLE-1LB-BLACK","price":33.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"1 lb \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084499071049,"sku":"NIC-DRIP-1LB-BLACK","price":33.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2 lb \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084499103817,"sku":"NIC-WHOLE-2LB-BLACK","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2 lb \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084499136585,"sku":"NIC-DRIP-2LB-BLACK","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0980\/3353\/3001\/files\/Status_Quo_12oz_Whole_Bean_Shopify_Display_Bag_v1_TRUE_TRANSPARENT.png?v=1790314157"},{"product_id":"plausible-deniability","title":"PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY","description":"\u003cp\u003eBold enough to make decisions. Clever enough to deny them later.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA bold medium-dark roast with deeper body and dark chocolate character.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor long nights, difficult mornings, and questionable confidence.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIs it the strongest coffee we sell? We can neither confirm nor deny anything. Everyone who asked was thanked for their interest and has not been heard from since. (Roast level changes flavor, not strength. 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Fast. Slightly unstable.\u003cbr\u003eClassified for a reason.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA high-energy medium-light roast with floral notes and clean extraction character.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTasting notes: [REDACTED]. After review, these were cleared for release: caramel, vanilla, floral and berry.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor people who move fast and ask dangerous questions before caffeine.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEnjoy the moment. Not just the caffeine.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAvailable in Whole Bean or Drip Ground, in 12 oz, 1 lb, and 2 lb sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Satirical Coffee","offers":[{"title":"12 oz \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084521812041,"sku":"ETHN-WHOLE-12OZ-BLACK","price":25.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"12 oz \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084521844809,"sku":"ETHN-DRIP-12OZ-BLACK","price":25.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"1 lb \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084521877577,"sku":"ETHN-WHOLE-1LB-BLACK","price":33.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"1 lb \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084521910345,"sku":"ETHN-DRIP-1LB-BLACK","price":33.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2 lb \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084521943113,"sku":"ETHN-WHOLE-2LB-BLACK","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2 lb \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084521975881,"sku":"ETHN-DRIP-2LB-BLACK","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0980\/3353\/3001\/files\/Redacted_12oz_Whole_Bean_Shopify_Display_Bag_v1_TRUE_TRANSPARENT.png?v=1790312267"},{"product_id":"il-maestro","title":"IL MAESTRO","description":"\u003cp\u003eTraditional Italian-style espresso blend with deep body and crema.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA bold cup for espresso lovers: grind the Whole Bean option for your machine or moka pot, or choose Drip Ground for a standard coffee maker.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePrecision. Ritual. Espresso without performance art.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIl Maestro has reviewed your request to make it a milkshake. The request was declined, with enormous respect.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEnjoy the moment. Not just the caffeine.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAvailable in Whole Bean or Drip Ground, in 12 oz, 1 lb, and 2 lb sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Satirical Coffee","offers":[{"title":"12 oz \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084544651337,"sku":"6BEAN-WHOLE-12OZ-BLACK","price":25.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"12 oz \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084544684105,"sku":"6BEAN-DRIP-12OZ-BLACK","price":25.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"1 lb \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084544716873,"sku":"6BEAN-WHOLE-1LB-BLACK","price":33.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"1 lb \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084544749641,"sku":"6BEAN-DRIP-1LB-BLACK","price":33.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2 lb \/ Whole Bean","offer_id":56084544782409,"sku":"6BEAN-WHOLE-2LB-BLACK","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2 lb \/ Drip Ground","offer_id":56084544815177,"sku":"6BEAN-DRIP-2LB-BLACK","price":59.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0980\/3353\/3001\/files\/Il_Maestro_12oz_Whole_Bean_Shopify_Display_Bag_v3_TRUE_TRANSPARENT_3ea61f8c-db28-41ad-811d-a986732a3c63.png?v=1790540408"}],"url":"https:\/\/satiricalcoffee.com\/collections\/frontpage.oembed","provider":"Satirical Coffee","version":"1.0","type":"link"}